Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I hurt someone real deep just now. All I can say now is "I'm sorry".
Had dinner with dar and after that went to ECP for a heart to heart talk about our problems. I didn't know how to, or rather I didn't want to really say what I should say as I know he will sure be upset.
But I ended up saying everything. People who knows me know what I expect in a relationship and knows what I dislike about my partner. I said all that I wanted to said, cry a whole lot out and finished my conversation with him. I ended up acting like a counseller, like a philisopher, or rather a psychaitrist. Oh my, I didn't went through so much in my life but ended up like I live in this universe for ages. God gracious.
Before leaving for home, I ask him to reconsider if we are suitable for each other and whether we are the one for each other till old. Like I've always say, I am looking for a person whom I can spend my whole life with, but sadly he kinda don't fit in. I am also thinking through the same question, whether he is really the one for me.
While driving me home, I saw him crying. I breaks my heart to see him cry. I tried asking him not to cry but he didn't admit he is crying. I'm sorry dar for making you sad. I just want you to know my problem. Really sorry.
*Entry via My SmartPhone*
love goes around | 12:25 AM
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I think I need a drink some days with my friends and just my friends. I am lacking my own time with my friends and have this feeling that I've let down my friends, whenever they ask me out, I will reject them due to my boyfriend. I had always placed my friends before my boyfriend and recently I tend to shift the attention to my boyfriend and neglect my friends. Sorry to all my friends, close friends and buddy.
As a result, I felt kinda lost as I have no idea who to turn to when I needed a shoulder to lean on, and who to turn to when I needed someone to cheer me up.
At times, I felt that my smile and laugh are so fake recently. Not deep down from my heart. Am I not happy with myself or my surrounding environment? Or am I just not contented? I've got no idea. I think I am the problem and I think I need to do something to mend my problems. But how am I going do solve all the problems (or are they really problems at the first place, I don't know).
Getting so vexed recently. Just want to be alone, locking myself up from the people outside, didn't want to interact with anyone outside this few days. Maybe I've been out everyday and hasn't really been spending my time at home recently, which I've lost a sense of belonging already.
Mum always ask me "Is his temper good?", I'll say ok loh. But I never really think in depth whether he is really ok with his temper. Sigh. I'm vexed, very vexed. Don't want to be disturbed by anyone.
I've been thinking about my future and marriage. I want a stable family and a happy marriage. Started to think of whether he is the right choice for myself to spend the rest of my life with? Will I be happy with him? But I don't even have a slightest thinking to getting married to him. The more I want to aim to get marry by the age 28, the more I will think a lot and feel that the person I'm with is not the person I will want to spend my whole life with.
What should I do? Argh~~
love goes around | 12:38 AM
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It's been a long time since I last put up an entry here. Has been very busy recently with my assistant away on maternity leave and getting into a relationship.
So many things happened during these few months. Colleagues come and go, old colleagues leaving the company for better offer which may not be as good, young boss admitting into hospital due to some infection thingy to his pulses, etc.
So many things happened in just a few months and I started to have negetive feeling against my relationship. I have no idea if I have made a right choice, a good choice. No doubt, my partner is a nice person in nature, however his temper and attitude towards some things might be uncontrollable at times. It may be his new job giving him too much stress, and in turn make his mood bad and hence throw his unhappiness and vexed feeling towards me. I can tolerate all the bad temper and stupid attitude he has towards me, but I can't take it when he didn't want to talk about the problem and be there showing black faces to me with one word answers whenever I talked to him. Another thing is he will vexed his anger at his driving - drive super fast and recklessly when he is in bad mood.
Suddenly I feel, I don't understand him enough, or rather he don't understand me enough. I don't like giving suggestion and making decision on places to go for meals, and he will keep asking me to make decision, which I don't do so he will feel pek chek again. He never apologise for bad temper to me before when he shouldn't.
I love freedom, and love going out with friends. Because of him, I didn't have time to accomapny my friends as I needs to accompany him and he will feel neglected if I don't accompany him. This has caused me not being able to meet my own friends as they feel awkward being with us. I feel I have less close friends already.
Not too sure if its demanding or because he wants to be with me longer, but I can't take it when I always have to go to his house (he doesn't like coming my house) and when I requested to go home, he will feel unhappy and give you that attitude face.
Maybe its a a sign of MCP (male chevalist pig) or SNAG (Singapore New Aged Guy). I don't like. I don't like MCP or SNAG. I like freedom and not being tied down.
I don't feel happy at all. I don't feel the love anymore, at least from my side. Think I've got problems in maintaining a good relationship.
Am I making a choice that is incorrect in the first place? Did I choose the wrong person? Is he the one that I can consider to be my future husband? What shall I do? Getting so stressed up. Argh~ I'm a problematic gal, and I think I seriously have a problem.
*Entry via My SmartPhone*
love goes around | 9:57 PM
