Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I have no idea why I've been feeling so tired recently. Is it due to work, or school, or band, or overseas residency, or anything else. I really have no clue about it at all.
Thinking about my work, it's been like getting more and more and it's like non-stop. No idea if it's cause I'm slow in my work or coz I've been overloading myself.
School is ending soon after my overseas residency and before I go off for my USA residency, I will have to sit for an exam the Saturday before I fly. Hope I can clear that before I go. Assignment got to start doing soon if not I'll be doing last minute work again.
Band is getting me very disappointed and sad. I don't know what I've done wrong. Why I just can't make NYPAW better, why can't I get more players for the band? I really hate myself for not being able to gather more people for practice. Really hate myself to core.
Overseas residency is making me very headache as I need to prepare so many things for my 1 month residency in USA. Just paid up all the money for my accomodations and air tickets. Now got to save up money for my other usage in USA. Also to search for additional accomodation in New York which we will be travelling there to. Sadly, I have no chance to go to LA for Disneyland. Felt so disappointed. Sigh. Don't know when I can go to Disneyland. When I'm old maybe?
Have just send out some messages to see who will be able to come for band this Sat and the result is not overwhelming. I am getting very very tired about the band thingy and is graduately giving up on NYPAW, and I really mean I'm starting to give up. I know you people will tell me,
"do you bear giving it up just like that? You have brought it up with your own hands and you want to destroy it with your own hands too?" Well, do I have a choice?
I know partly, or probably mainly it's my fault that NYPAW is at this state but I didn't want it to be like this. It is not like we never discuss with our committees regarding the future of NYPAW, but we have the heart without the strength to do whatever we planned for as we don't have the support and the spirit to do so.
Well, many of you may think I am the main person who made NYPAW the way it was. But I never meant to do that. But what can I do? Use a knife or a gun to point at the alumnus's head or neck to force them to come for practice? That shouldn't be the way. Alumnus have their own commitment and things to do and I respect on them that whatever they decided to do is more important than the practice that is why they put them in priority. I can't simply force people to come. If people are not willing to come, no matter how much I force, they will still not come, or probably come once and no more.
It's not only disheartening to hear people asking me
"SaSa, when is the band resuming?" when I resume the band and no one comes for practice. People may blame me for the long breaks and MIA news of NYPAW resuming. People may say the break is far too long and the practice is not consistant. But to me all these are excuses.
When the band jolly well started, I am really really so sad, so disappointed and upset to see such little people back for practice. It just pains my heart every week when I go for practice. I may seems like I doesn't cant in band because I don't want my mood to affect anyone in band, but it doesn't mean I don't care and I just simply
"bo chap".I'm really very sick and tired of the band and really hope I can take a very very long break. I just wish that I won't come back to Singapore at all and don't get into any of the politics in band. I hope that I'll just disappear without a word and just let the band goes off slowly. I think it's the best if I'm not around and people will then tend to appreciate.
I wish to invite laoshi back to NYPAW to conduct us, and I mean it. But the attendance of each week is so pathetic that I don't even dare to talk to laoshi and ask laoshi to come back.
All I need is some improvement in the attendance and the puntuality of the members. 2.30pm means 2.30pm. If you are late, I hope you will feel urgent about it and come by as soon as possible and not let the whole band wait for you. That's only the simplest thing I could wish for.
If really one day I couldn't make it back to Singapore, the only regret that I have is not to have a good band under my hand and NYPAW is been destroyed by me. I can't make the band blossom like other bands do. And if really that day come, I really hope someone will help me bring up the band and make the band a better one and not like me.
For those who have been supporting NYPAW and have been attending practices, I really thank you a lot for your spport and appreciate your attendance. Even if the band is only left with 1 person, at least I still have someone who holds to to the band and is willing to do something to hold it up. I thank you for doing that and really really appreciate your effort. I know who you people are and you are always so grateful to me and NYPAW which I don't know how to thanks and replay back the gratefulness to you all.
Realy hope to see more people in band this Sat and not only this Sat but every Sat. God bless everyone.
love goes around | 12:06 AM
