Sunday, January 28, 2007
A blow not settled, another blow came. How long can I take to actually collapse? How am I going to handle all this blows, alone?
Woke up this morning and everything went fine. As usual, I will take my shower after I wake up, it's my daily routine. One of dad's working shirt flow off the hanging rack and it's no where to be found. Therefore, mum have to alter a new shirt for dad as the shirts are normally too big for my dad to wear.
Dad returned from some
"shi fu" place while I was having my shower. Everything when off smoothly and all but things get quite foul after I get out of the bathing room. I greeted my dad and sat at the single seat sofa in my living room, while dad was sitting on the floor, just in front of my mum (as she was taking away the thread and all so that she can alter the shirt for my dad).
Dad didn't like the logo of the company on the shirt pocket and mum claimed that it's difficult to take off the thread from the shirt pocket due the the thickness of the thread. Dad keep saying "it's already so difficult to alter the other parts of the shirt, must well you alter the pocket." Mum then just repeat herself that the pocket was difficult to alter and all and then dad started to boil. He said "things that is needed to alter you don't, things that don't need to alter, you go and alter." Mum just defending herself by saying it was the normal way she alter his shirt and explains herself and dad boils even higher.
(Dad's relieve driver stopped working with dad and he have to look for another relieve driver, which dad wasn't able to find any now. Dad had a small fight with his relieve driver a week ago regarding the days that he too off isn't right and all and the relieve driver got angry and said he didn't want to driver anymore. Then dad asked me to help him check for relieve drivers name and contact online and all. After that, dad's relieve driver said he will continue to drive for my dad, which dad push away two callers who asked for relieve driving. Few days ago, dad's relieve driver said he didn't want to drive for dad again as he want to be a hirer, and told my dad Sunday will be his last day. But it doesn't goes that way, as the relieve driver just wrote a piece of note saying that it's his last day on Saturday. Dad was very vexed and upset by that, plus he can't find any relieve driver as yet, makes him feel vex.)
Dad claimed that he is already very vexed and he returned home and my mum talk loud to him and all (which my mum didn't). He said it's so difficult to find money outside, come home still recieve this type of treatment from my mum. After this quarrel with her, how he go out and find money later? Dad even said some nasty things that I believe that it hurts my mum a lot, so does it to me? He said to my mum "you'll be very happy and glad that I was involve in a car accident later and you don't have to face me right?"
Mum was denying everything he said saying "no, I didn't say that, I never said that before."
After that was a whole silence between by dad and my mum, and me sitting there, also silent.
It's the first time I see my dad and mum quarrelled, and it's over some small little matter which could be talked nicely to each other. I know that dad was vexed by his relieve driver thingy and he didn't say anything when he came home as he didn't want us to worry and all, but why must he vent all his angry on my mum.
I thought I could handle quarrels and I thought I can take anything that happen at home, but I realise I can't. I cannot handle quarrels at home, I can't. I nearly cried when I see them quarrel, which I swallow my tears and all. I just sit there staring at the TV, hoping that they will just stop the quarrel. I should have said something but I have no idea what I should say. It's the first time my parent quarrel and I really really have no idea how to handle it. People who knows me know that I hate quarrels and I don't like quarrels. No one heard before that my family members quarrel, and it happened this time. I nearly collapsed, and burst into tears.
When I heart my dad said "you will be glad and happy to see in involve in a car addcident right?", my heart sank, and it really hurts me deeply. I have no one to rely on now, and this things just happen. I am not as strong as you think dad, so is mum. I know you are not having a good time either, but you should have said such hurtful words. You are so wonderful as a dad, and I always look upon you. You are great, and I believe mum, and brother thinks so too, so don't put all the stress to yourself and support it all my yourself. You have us to help you. I'll try to help you find the numbers for the relieve drivers, mum will help with housework and brother will do his best for studies, we all are independent and I believe this difficult period for you will soon leave. Bear with it a little more, k?
I have no one to turn to now, no one to console me. Previously, I will have my buddy and my boyfriend to console me whenever I am down, or whenever I am hit with a blow or am sad and all, but now, it seems like I'm really alone. I have no one to turn to. No boyfriend to turn to, buddy too busy to attend to me, and I really didn't want to bother him too much. My heart is yet again hurt, and it's now wounded even more deeply than before. I don't see any light from my sight anymore.
All I want to be is like before, be happy, cheerful and happy-go-lucky, which can't I do it now? I have too much, too much things buried under my mind, under my heart. I never know how to say them out. I never. Sometimes, I think why was I ever borned, to bring my parents so much burden? Why can't I bring them wealth?
I can't stop my tears from flowing down now, and I have no idea how long I haven't been crying. I love my family, and I love you, but I just don't know how to show my love. I'm a quiet person at home, and I a quiet person myself. Only when I'm crazy do I outbring myself.
How I wish that at this point of time, there's a shoulders to lay on, how I wish the one I love is just beside me or just a phone call away from me so that at least I know he cares. How I wish, I wasn't here, in this universe, to bring burden to all. How I wish....
love goes around | 2:57 PM
